This article was written by Christina Bond, co-founder of Matrescence NZ. Christina has been supporting mothers through the transition of matrescence since 2021, alongside her sister Sam.
No one told me I’d change this much.
When I became pregnant in 2019, I read a lot of books, I attended an antenatal class, I set up my baby’s room but no one told me to prepare for how much I would change.
I was prepared for birth and baby, but I wasn’t prepared for postpartum and caring for myself as a new parent.
I had no idea how much I would change, outside of my body growing, birthing and feeding my baby. My sense of self. My identity. The way I saw the world. And the truth is, most mothers aren’t aware either. Heck, our whole society is not set up to support mothers best, but that’s another blog!
There’s a word for what we go through, although no one really talks about it, at least they didn’t in 2020 when my daughter was born.
It’s called matrescence. It’s the transition into and through motherhood. Just like adolescence, it’s messy, beautiful, overwhelming, and transformative. It’s not something you do once and tick off, it’s something you live. It’s an ongoing developmental process of transitioning and adapting to the constant changes of mothering.
So what is matrescence?
Matrescence is the emotional, physical, psychological, social, and even spiritual shift that happens when you become a mother. Changes occur in all domains of your life when you become a parent, whether you’re aware of it or not, and these changes can be rapid and unexpected.
For example, we experience maternal brain changes, in fact more neurogenesis in pregnancy than the entire five years of adolescence.
We experience changes to our relationships, with colleagues, family, friends and other parents.
And the big one, at the heart of matrescence is the identity change that nobody warned you about. We experience a shift in how we relate to the world, what’s important to us, what we have time to prioritise and how we feel about ourselves.
Matrescence is actually quite a complex topic, for more information you can download a free matrescence e-guide here.
What happens when we don’t know about matrescence?
When we don’t talk about this transition, it’s really common for mothers to feel like they are doing something wrong in motherhood. They never imagined it would be this hard. Why did no one tell them, or why is no one talking about this??
As a culture we tend to focus on babies, the check ups, the postpartum care, and not mothers very well. When in fact matrescence, the transition into and through motherhood, is often the biggest transition in a mother’s life.
Every mother experiences matrescence. Yet, when we’re not aware, mothers tend to blame themselves for a challenging adjustment rather than attributing it to this normal developmental process that they are experiencing without awareness or sufficient support.
If you weren’t aware your belly was going to grow in pregnancy, this would be frightening. When people aren’t aware of matrescence, these changes too can be confusing, disorientating and frightening.
Approximately 18% of mothers meet criteria for a clinical perinatal disorder.
100% experience matrescence. All mothers deserve support through this adjustment. If you’re based in Christchurch and looking for local support, check out our guide to postpartum support services in Christchurch.
Becoming the mother you want to be
There’s so much pressure to be the “perfect” mum. Social media would have you believe it’s all matching outfits and Montessori toys. But perfect mothers don’t exist, and they are not good for our children. It’s about tuning into the mother you want to be, without putting pressure on yourself to know it all. You and your baby will be learning side by side for the rest of your lives.
To support your matrescence journey and help you become the mother you want to be, let your values be your compass.
You might ask:
- What kind of mum do I want to be?
- What matters most to me right now?
- What do I need to feel supported, confident, and connected in this new season of life?
For a free values exercise click here.
Practical ways to support yourself through matrescence
Navigating matrescence is an ongoing journey. Part of the journey involves giving yourself permission to grieve the old version of yourself. And permission to grow into someone new, someone more aligned with your values than ever before.
Here are a few simple things that can help:
1. Give language to your experience
Just knowing the word matrescence can be powerful. It validates that what you’re feeling is real, and that you’re not alone in feeling it. Talk and learn more about matrescence, get to know yourself better.
2. Find your village or build one
You were never meant to do this alone. Whether it’s a friend, therapist, support group, or the Matrescence NZ community, having people who get it can change everything. It’s also worth having a plan for those early weeks at home – the 5-5-5 postpartum rule is a great place to start.
3. Prioritise your needs too
Yes, your baby matters. And you matter just as much. Seek out and accept as much support as possible so you can meet your needs too. Even small acts of self-care add up – here are some self-care products worth having on hand for the postpartum period.
4. Redefine what ‘success’ looks like
Sometimes success is a nap. Sometimes it’s reheating your coffee twice and still drinking it. Motherhood isn’t measured in milestones, it’s about supporting yourself through all the transitions and growing into the person and parent you want to be.
For a free YouTube series on matrescence, identity and maternal wellbeing visit this link.
Final thought
Matrescence doesn’t mean losing yourself, although you will likely experience a period of disorientation. It means becoming more of yourself and feeling confident in who you are. It’s about reorienting to your values and connecting with an evolving version of you.
It feels like forever when you’re in the thick of it, but you’re not alone, you’re not failing, you’re becoming and you’re transforming.
About Matrescence New Zealand
Sisters, Sam and Christina Bond, co-founded Matrescence NZ in 2021. They offer a range of services to support parents and professionals to gain a deeper understanding of matrescence to change the way mothers are supported.
- Antenatal Classes
- Mumtown: Free Postpartum Online 6-week matrescence group
- 1:1 Matrescence Coaching
- Matrescence Practitioner Certification
Follow Matrescence NZ on Instagram @matrescencenz
